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The Irony of Losing Self
I have learned after some thirty-two years as a Christian, that God is, most essentially, a loving communicator. Not only does His Son proclaim, "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me,"1 but God also provides the 'voice' for the sheep to hear. He desires dialogue, not monologue, with his children -- two way, not one. Walking by faith is not intended to be a plight of rarely (if ever) hearing God's voice, yet still trusting Him; it is trusting that what He says, though not yet evident, will occur just as he said it would. The scripture states that faith is "... the evidence of things not seen ..." Note that it does not say, "... the evidence of things not heard ..." He wants to speak into our lives if we will only take the time to learn to hear and to trust.
Since the time that I have consistently begun each day communicating with my heavenly Father in journaling and prayer, I have come to better understand His mind and Word, specifically in regard to his will and heart for me and the body of Christ. I am learning to trust Him in a much deeper sense. The result is that I am not satisfied with my life as usual; I feel an urgency to be more Christ-like and less Tom-like -- to yield more fully to His will and surrender to His love. I am weary of my temporal thinking and soulish affinities. What I see in Jesus is more and more intensely the desire of my heart.
I was recently present in a remarkable moment in which Heidi Baker (a woman of God who knows how to hear His voice and act upon it) related her "laid-down lover" relationship with Him -- and the indisputable results of dying to self and living for Jesus. Her words ignited a fire in my heart and I relate some of the outcome of this fire below, just as I wrote it to my Father in my journal (sans spelling errors):
Father, you are patient and loving beyond my human understanding. You have born with me in love over the years as I struggled and stumbled in my attempts to be what I perceived you wanted me to be, as I held firmly to many of the elements of my own life, defenses and desires. Now, I have, at long last, come to more clearly understand the words of Jesus when he stated, “...whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” After thirty years of reading and pondering these words I am finally coming to understand them more fully -- my life will only be found in you.
I now recognize the great wisdom in this principle of losing a life and saving a life.
That which I lay down and stop trying to defend (i.e., self interest, self-focused goals, desires, ego and reputation) can no longer serve as a spiritual or earthly negotiating position from which to blackmail, threaten or intimidate me. A 'life' that I have already surrendered ceases to be an issue or point of leverage; it loses all pull and power. Once surrendered, my ego and my reputation and my career are no longer at stake. They are out of the picture. The result is that I become a “free agent” in the service of God my father and my Lord Jesus Christ. I am able to follow Your word and spirit, free to do the things I see You do and speak the things I hear You speak, without concern for the collateral impact on 'my' life. It becomes a life not lived unto myself but unto He who died for me and rose again. Jesus clearly paid this price of surrender from the beginning; he lived for You alone Father. His life was to do Your will; he was not deterred by reputation, career, power, position, ego or need for social acceptance. He willingly sacrificed all to please you, to always do your will. His eyes were fixed on the eternal, not the temporal.
Father, I give up my life unto you; unto the death of self-interest, I abandon myself and all that I am, all that I have (and do not yet have) into your loving hands. I give over to you my hopes and dreams, my idols, behaviors and soulish sanctuaries into which I learned to retreat when faced with trials or insecurity. I give up my misguided and self-guided ways that I have used over the years in a vain attempt to achieve my own dysfunctional versions of peace and hope. I give them up so that I might live unto you.
Where else would I go to find life? To whom would I turn for peace and hope and love? After finding the pearl of great price, would I continue to pursue, in any form, that which I know does not lead to life? All other purposes and reasons for living pale in comparison to knowing and serving you, in contrast to your love and doing your will. I have, in you alone, hope, peace, love, joy, and meaning. In you I have this treasure that endures.
My desire is to be who you want me to be – so that you can flow through me. My desire is to give the hopeless, tired, thirsty and hungry people in this world that which will truly fulfill: an eternal hope that does not fade, a peace that passes their ability to understand it, food that truly nourishes new life, waters that deeply quench their thirst and, to the lonely and disaffected, a love that they so desperately need. My desire is to be used by you to reach into their lives, at the core of where they live, and make an eternal difference.
Father,
the irony is that by fully giving over my life to you, by relinquishing my self, I receive from you a life that is most deeply meaningful and fulfilling, life as you intended it to be. Once again I stand in awe of Your love and wisdom.
1. John 10:27
2
Hebrews 11:1
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