Waypoints and Words by Thomas Fideler

Articles

A journal of commentary, narrative and poetry about navigating through life

To Be One or Two?

“We are born helpless. As soon as we are fully conscious we discover loneliness. We need others physically, emotionally, intellectually; we need them if we are to know anything, even ourselves.”¹ But this need, and our efforts to satisfy it, creates an apparent paradox. Each of us, at an essential human level, is a lone soul on a journey through this life and it is intrinsically in our nature to seek another with whom we can join so that we do not remain a lonely “one.” Then, when we do become “two” we endeavor to become one with each other, physically, emotionally and spiritually. In fact, it seems that it may be one of our strongest desires. In the Bible Paul wrote, “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body; for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” ²

But, is it not curious that while we have been created with a seemingly insatiable need for oneness and joining, we seem to spend our lives in a perpetual struggle between joining and separation. We long for someone to be the object of our affection -- and we to be the object of theirs. We yearn for a soul mate, a family, a home, for connection, and the feeling of belonging that these states of being should represent. But, as we progress into this state of joining and belonging we may, over time, slowly languish, feeling a sort of tyranny of oneness, of this joining of our lives and thoughts. Periodically we may find ourselves asking, “Who am I? Am I 'me' or is 'me' being lost as I become one with this other person?” It seems in our inexorable quest for oneness we somehow underestimate our equally powerful need for individuality and separateness.

There may be two causal forces at work here. First, there is what David Schnarch, in his book Passionate Marriage, defines as “differentiation,” that is, being able to balance between our need for joining and our equally powerful need for individuality. "Differentiating" makes it possible to retain and nurture our sense of self and personal growth, while continuing to actively create intimacy and connection with others. David describes our dilemma: “Individuality propels us to follow our own directives, to be on our own, to create a unique identity. Togetherness pushes us to follow the directives of others, to be part of the group.”³ If we can balance these two forces -- then in the face of relational pressures, conflicts and the dramas that are so much a part of connection, we can maintain our own individuality and still be deeply joined with another. The choices are not only relational co-dependency or isolation. Both individuality and intimacy are necessary for relationships to succeed.

Secondly, we struggle between intimacy and separation because, I believe, we greatly underestimate the cost of maintaining successful, intimate relationships. The primary currency of intimate and sustainable relationships is love -- sacrificial love. This love is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, forgives all things. Though we cannot hope to do this perfectly, it is the stuff of enduring connection and love. It is the giving up of our lives to gain life. Jesus described this price when he spoke of the cost of loving and following God:

"Then Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?''” (Matt 16:24-26)

Most of us have learned by now that successful relationships are not primarily about getting, but more about giving. Of course, the giving, over time, has to be balanced on both sides lest one partner in the relationship become more of a caregiver than a friend or lover. But it seems to stand that if we withhold our life and companionship from others and store up “life” primarily for ourselves, we will “lose” our life. The corollary then seems to be that if we pour out our life for others, to be a companion, friend or lover and build relationship, we will find life.

So the answer to the question, "To be one or two?" Yes.

1 C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves (New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1960) 2 Ephesians 5:28-29, New American Standard Bible translation 3 David Schnarch, Passionate Marriage (New York: Henry Holt and Co., 1997)

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